When it comes to communicating across differences, Gail Heyman has both professional insight and personal experience. As a developmental psychologist at UC San Diego, she studies how people form beliefs, judge credibility and understand honesty, including how they learn to lie. And as a colleague, daughter, sister, friend, spouse and mother, she’s had her share of tough talks too.
A “civil conversation” is often misunderstood to mean keeping quiet for the sake of keeping the peace. But that’s not productive. It also doesn’t mean putting on a smile while resentment simmers. “We learn through disagreement,” says Heyman. “We learn by being challenged.”
She emphasizes the importance of approaching disagreement with curiosity, listening closely and leaving space for complexity. “The times that people have changed my mind or helped me grow were when they disagreed with me,” she says. “That’s not always comfortable, but it’s valuable.”
In our polarized world, where discussions about politics, identity or values can quickly devolve into shouting matches — or silent avoidance — Heyman argues for a different path.
“If people sense that you’re genuinely interested in their perspective,” she explains, “they’re more likely to listen to yours.” Curiosity and openness don’t guarantee agreement, but they create the conditions for trust and are tools that can help us bridge divides. “Curiosity helps us see the humanity in people who are different from us,” she adds. “And in a world that feels divided, that’s something we all need more of.”
It also helps, she notes, to assume the best rather than the worst. Many conflicts spiral because each side presumes ill intent. “If you come in assuming the other person is just trying to score points, you’ll respond in kind,” says Heyman. “But if you assume they’re acting in good faith — even if clumsily — you can respond differently, and the whole tone changes.”
Another powerful strategy is knowing how to diffuse tension deftly — sometimes with humor, sometimes by shifting the focus to what both sides care about. Heyman recalls trying to talk politics with her brother, who holds very different views. “We used to get stuck in the same unproductive loops,” she says. “These days we don’t talk much, but I still believe we care about many of the same things — like fairness, family and a better future — even if we disagree on how to get there.” Focusing on shared goals, even from a distance, can help reset the tone when conversations do happen.
And sometimes, the wisest move is stepping back. “Not every disagreement is worth pursuing,” Heyman acknowledges. “There are times when ending a conversation respectfully preserves the relationship and leaves the door open for the future.”
She also stresses the importance of choosing battles and being clear about the goal when raising sensitive topics. When the stakes are high, she recommends talking through the situation with trusted people before deciding how to proceed.
Ultimately, for Heyman, the goal of civil conversation isn’t to win arguments but to strengthen connections.
